domingo, 25 de febrero de 2007

having second thoughts

At first I was quite excited by that i'm not so sure. As usual I'm very nervous about that first step. Things usually turn out OK but I don't know. Maybe I really do care about how much it pays!!! Even if I don't want to admit it. Money money money, how can such a lame thing mean so much??? I reallyy reaaaallly need a job that will allow me to pay for everything and I need it now. I want to pay for my graduation costs (about 750 USD), and my car, and gas, and above all journeys! This job pays next to nothing, and in order for me to make it work I would have to be very very good at convincing people to donate to the organization... Im not a very sociable person you all know that, how am I supposed to approach complete strangers and convince them to donate money just like that?? I dont even know where to start!

So it all comes down to two possibilities, say yes to the job now and gamble, or say no and spend my days doing basically nothing as I do now... I know it seems like an easy choice but in my head it's not.
(listening to F. Cabrel)
Lonely nights at home with my parents gone for the weekend... wishing I didn't had this empty feeling when I go to bed. In what seems like another lifetime I loved these "alone" w.e. cause I didn't really spent them alone... Now since the one person I wish I could spend them with its roughly 9.000km away, I choose "vodka and chaka kan"; put differently, I chose to go out till as late as I possibly can just so I wont be thinking about things like this at midnight, like today. In all honesty I don't even know what I miss the most.... That "one" person, or just a person (does this even make sense to anyone???). On the other hand, I might not be ready for sharing my nightime again, not just yet. I dont want nor expect to be in that place anytime soon... last time (excluding that one september thing) was just too emotionally draining, too much time spent on someone or something that was not worth it in the end, not even for the memories it left behind.
So instead, I'll just keep filling those voids at night with the nice thoughts from september that go from watching Grey's Anatomy, to the opera, to terrible waiters, to the taste of iced tea and the nice feeling of warmth. Daydreaming (or night-dreaming??) must be enough for the time being, the rest will come when it comes and meanwhile I must remember to focus on what's real, and just ahead, and me.
.... I still wish It could be more than just pictures now... It hardly feels like it really happened anymore!
Anyway, time for bed....and for some dreaming
cálmate cariña cálmate!!!
(and yes, I spelled that right..)
PS.- picture's weeping woman, by Picasso
(listening to Mi mancherai, Josh Groban)

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